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Category Archives: Puns

ALAS, IN WANDERLAND, SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 6, PAGE 40

After words, I took Helen for lunch to Fine’s Kettle Of Fish.

Joey Pratt Falls brought us two bowls of McGuffin Red Herring soup, then Helen said: “Boss, so No Bull Savage claimed his people haven’t any boarders which is how he could send those bunch of Nasty Partiers off island….”

“Yes.”

“So if the Hidawhy can come and go as they tease, does that have some clue as to how you and the German Shepherd, Fritz, got to Cuba several years ago?

Do you have some kind of a deal with the Hidawhy that gives you a pass?”

“Now Helen”, I said “that would be telling.”

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FISHING FOR ANSWERS

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And be sure to rush to the Nudestand for the next scandalous episode in the ongoing Shaggy Saga Of Sea Czar City.

In volume 7, Eve Angelica appeals (very much) to P.I. Hatrack to be her haughty guard.

You’ll be on hand and feet for Randy Jim’s divorce.

You’ll journey to the forgotten land of Amnesia and see the legend dairy of Moo, meet the Sacred Cow and its High Milkmaid, Meena, barely escape the attack of the Plod People and be home in time for an early election.

You’ll see John St. John, Gulp Island’s only illegal alien, and the nine wives of Omitt Cayenne.

You’ll fall under the spell of Baba Alley and go to The Fair To Midland and finally learn the secret of the German Shepherd Affair.

All this and so much less.

 

Remember kids,Gothic Comics still has back issues of “Cargo Cal And The Pilots” (featuring the return of Cal’s arch nemesis, Ape Lincoln) and “Army Aunts” (who go feeler to feeler with the Corkroaches of Wineland).

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michaellewis

Just send a request for the issues you want to Sleet And Hale Publications, Sea Czar City, Gulp Island, Bikini Triangle, Somewhere In The Specific Ocean.

 

 

 

 

ALAS, IN WANDERLAND, SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 6, PAGE 37

When I made it out to see my randy granddad at Casa Nova, the old rake had been banished, by Justa, to the garden shed.

“Your daddy, Peaeye, my son Floyd, was no better than me.” said the humble lie eater when he saw me at the door.

“We Hatracks have our hangups, luckily you take after your momma.

She was a Dotes.

They have goodness in grain.

Always feel your Dotes and you’ll do fine.”

I noticed there was a bottle of Niagara, “The Drink That Interrupts The Falls” on his bedside box, so I wasn’t so sure how much code there was in his re-morse.

michaellewisart

NOT ENOUGH ROOM IN THE DOG HOUSE

 

 

ALAS, IN WANDERLAND, SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 6, PAGE 36

It was Lee Z. Gladstone who announced himself with a “She was only a scarecrow’s daughter but, oh my, how she left  all the boys raven” as he came through the office door.

He had a copy of Dime Magazine under his arm.

He slapped the weakly down on the desk.

“Thought you might want to see this, Duck Racy” he said.

Well I didn’t.

There it was on the inside, in lurid black and white with a headline that read: “Papa Rotzi, Bench Press Photog, Snaps Cereal Box Billionaire Having Dinner With All Twelve Fan Tan Dancers”.

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MAN OF THE MINUTE

 

 

 

SEA CZAR CITY, THE DIARIES, PAGE 42, THURSDAY MARCH 23 CONTINUED

“Because the old Whipster owed us kale” was the Stock answer when I asked him.

“Yards of kale and he put his shut up as the clatter role.

Last night we get a call right from the Horace’s mouth saying he was cashing in his tips and we should come plunder the wonder.”

I decided I wanted to see this treasure jest, so had Stock take me to the basement stare.

I eyeballed it all, the bare skinned rug,the cold-stuffed up trophy heads, and even the rows of boats.

There was Horace’s granddaddy’s clock, though you couldn’t tell the chime because it stood hock still.

That struck me as odd because Horace always had Phileas Fobb, the clock doc, keep the hickory in dickory due.

michaelewis

THE CLOCK DOCK

 

SEA CZAR CITY, THE DAIRES. PAGE 40, STILL EVEN LATER

“Look” I said to Horace, ” I came here because I was told there was enough shots in this house to consider it holy and that they came from the both of you.”

“There was some rabbit fire this morning that just missed me by a hair.”

“Look”, I said, “I just don’t want either of you to get hurt” and I almost meant it.

“Yeah, well beat it Eggbert, you bore me” growled the old cooper, showing both barrels.

His first shot got five points for hitting the painting over my head entitled: “The Buck Stops Here”.

The second shot removed the door knob on my way out.

I got the feeling old girdle-gut didn’t truss me anymore.

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SHOWING BOTH BARRELS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SEA CZAR CITY, THE DIARIES, PAGE 35, MARCH 20 CONTINUED

Got my Bench Press from News Niceburg.

The lead story was a shirt tale about SoHi of SoHi’s  Quality Tailoring.

Yesterday he collared a thief who tried to pocket the petty cash.

SoHi cuffed him right on the button.

SoHi seams none the worsted for wear.

Stopped at the U Auto Care to see if I could get my Keister out of hock.

Shifty Gears was working on J. Morgan Gelt’s new Ophelia 1600.

According to Shifty, those high price dreads lose their mortal coils after just a few hundred kilometres and should be shuffled off.

Shifty admits, if you pump him, that when he first started working on cars, he thought it was a gas but now he just finds it tiresome.

I drove to Soupermon”s Deli Planet for lunch.

U Auto Care

U Auto Care

 

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SEA CZAR CITY, THE DIARIES, PAGE 33, SUNDAY MARCH 19, STILL CONTINUED

A couple of calls later, there I was in the rain, hollering at door 4 of the Notell Motel for Crab to come out with his clause up.

“Don’t come a glumshoe closer”, Carp yelled back.

I’ve got a marine can opener and if Faster tries to bolt, he’ll suffer more than metal fatigue.

The law can’t touch me.

He’s a freed machine and no one’s property!”

I got an idea.

“Stephen Faster”, I shouted back, “sing Swampy River so I know your alright!”

Sure enough cabin 4 lit up with song and I knew there wouldn’t be a dry eye in the louse.

When I stalked through the door like celery, there was Crab Carp crying, “Make it stop, make it stop!

It;s breaking my heart!”

Tin Pan Pally

Tin Pan Pally

 

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