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THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7. PAGE 35

After the evening and breathing had returned to formal, I asked Mellon Feller if she needed a guide home.

“No” she said, “Miss Chance will take care of that.”

Only Miss Chance probably saw which way the puzzle was jigged and decided to scatter.

I slapped Mellon Feller hard enough to send her shades into shadows and shouted: “Lets see what your phoney lump is made of, Mellon Feller, Mini Soda Katz, Tattle Dale Bow!”

It was then that I saw her egg white eyes showed no yoke.

I knew I’d missed my chance.

From the livid faces around me, I decided staying for cookies and tea might land me in steep trouble.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Monday I showed the photos I’d taken at the book hub to Camera Sly at Sly’s Shutter Shop.

He said Miss Chance reminded him of Patty Cable.

He said he’d encountered her at Swab’s Drugstore.

He said she was slipping a soda under her sweater.

“I didn’t want Constable John to cuff her” said Sly “so I threw three coins on the fountain and told her I could make her a scar.

With a mark on her face, I figured even hardened sea dogs would shed a private tear.

She called me Sven and golly I loved her.

I changed her name to Fallacious Flaw and taught her to pose.

I had big plans for Fallacious but after her calendar came out, she left me dateless.”

“Any idea where she might have gone?”, I asked.

“Follywood” he said, “she wants to go fur in the clamorous business.”

michaellewisart

A SCAR IS BORN

 

 

 

 

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THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 34

Jacqueline Lantern, of Booklegger’s Books , does a book hub on Sundays.

This week it was “Return To Knotty Pine”, by the notorious Joyce Bitts.

Knotty Pine is, of course, the pseudolimb of the former village of White-On-Rice, now Coupling-On-The-Sly on Basketune Island.

The meeting was advertised as “A sleek peek at the underbelly of a hot bed of high heels”.

Perfect fonder, I figured, for a tattle hustler, so I invited myself along.

“How nice to have a booster in the den house”, Jacqueline laughed when I arrived.

Netty Trawler was there,the Widow Sider, Pie Annie Eels, Miss Laid, the librarian, and Miss Prim, the school teacher.

“P.I.,meet our other newcomers”, Jacqueline said, indicating two ladies I had somehow not seen.

“This is Mellon Teller, and her companion, Miss Chance”.

Teller was a sight for sore cries, bent nearly double under a hunch and walking with a red cane because of her blind beggar eyes.

Well she might of been blind, but more likely the kind that shaded the sidewalks of Coupling-On-The-Sly.

Right off the chat, she told us Grope Captain Fondle was a cover for Lord Bonkers whose spoiled son appeared as Mold Fondle.

Constant Deflower was in reality, Widow Maidenhood, while Lorelei and Creepy Shacks were Sudden Tracks and her angry daddy, Cross.

michaellewisart

NEWCOMERS AT THE BOOK HUB

 

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THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 25

There will be the usual sack race for the recently fired.

The crowning of Miss Main Squeeze at the Juice Right Pageant.

Boris, the vulgar boatman, will again take on both Cuss Plucker, the Blunder Busman and the Reverent Mr. Amos Rant in the mule  cussing contest.

(Last year the air was so blue, they had to call it a draw when the animals fainted from embarrassment.)

Bango the Balloon Clown, is running the bomb toss.

Ranger Roy is giving demonstrations on the dangers of the pool sharks known as Chaws,  little nippers who go after the toes of of both municipal and backyard swimmers.

Easy Perkins is bringing his champion turkey, Peach Gobbler, his prize winning hen, Coopsa Daisy, and his ash ram, Sooty, to the Life Shock Show.

Colonel Corny Cobb Web’s Coochie-Coo Tent will premiere ZaZa LaPlume, the fan dancer’s new act where instead of just feathers, she uses the whole bird and bills herself LaPlume the Flamingo Dancer.

michaellewisart

BIRDS OF A FEATHER

 

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THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 20

“Fact is”, Kay continued “I now own the Mall.

We’ve got The Big Box Store, ‘Your one stop shop for all your large box needs’, The Fabricator, ‘With more bolts than just out of the blue’, a Gape, a Loots, and a Barsucks.

I’m telling you this because to Omitt, nothing on Gulp Island should exist.

He blames it’s decanted ways for all his whines.

I fear he has already started blowing things up with the Electra Complex.

You must understand his actions do not represent Muslins.

We are a gentle people.

We worship cloth and bowling for Alley’s sake!”

“A Muslin situation”, I told her, “should be handled by the millinery.”

But Kay Sarong-Sarong said that could fabricate a war.

She’d heard about my involvement with the move against the 8ers by all the religious leaders and of my dealings with the Grime Lords at The New Troll Hotel in Smother Goose Landing, so she’d decided I was tailor made for the job.

michaelewisart

THE HANSWOOD MALL

 

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THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 19

The lights went out.

Something must have gone wrong with the Electra Complex in Wolf Bay.

Just as I found my flashlight, two thumps sounded on my door, 2B or Knock 2B at the Harbour House Hotel.

In the darkened hallway stood a vision from “1001 Slights”.

I was thumbstruck without a tack.

I kept thinking: “Hatrack, me shack and to be we go”.

“Are you P.I., the Private Guy?” she asked waving my card in front of my seasunk eyes.

Electricity out and no way to refuse, she pushed past me into the apartment.

“My name”, she said “is Kay Sarong-Sarong and Gulp Island needs you.’

I apologized for the darkness.

She said: “I know, thats why I’m here.

Ever read this book?”

The tomb she handed me was entitled: “The Nine Wives Of Omitt Cayenne”.

“No.” I said but on the lust jacket, I learned that old Omitt lost one wife in a mall, another in a divorce, the third he found wearing his Vizier, a forth ran off in a flood, the fifth he lost to a bottle of whiskey, the sixth to sense, the seventh took up with the eighth, and the ninth, it seems, hung around because she was lonely.

“I’m the one he lost in the mall”, Kay said, “the Hanswood Mall in midtown.”

michaellewisart

OPERTUNITY KNCKS

 

 

 

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 7

Her  come hither had gone yawn.

I tried to help her by egging her on to make more yokes.

But it didn’t help.

Her listeners became bored again sheep and started to flock off.

Eve Angelica ended up working behind the counter at Swabs Drugstore.

She told everyone that I had left her in ruins like Anchor Wot.

Funnily enough, I started getting calls from the Centaurette , Apple Lucy, asking if I wanted to horse around, Jill Fever wanting to know if I’d like to come over and play doctor, Ruby Gams suggesting we do a little smoking and even April, the Colander girl, asked for a date.

From what I hear now, Eve’s secretary, Aimee Fearsome McSimple, has taken over the For Squares Hostel with her partner in slime, Delmon Gangtree.

michaellewisart

PARTY LINE

 

 

 

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 6

Yet amidst all the grits and yammer, Eve seemed bored so I told her stories of my add dentures.

I told her about the summer Lord Vain, The Vegetarian Vampire’s uncle Noah, Count of Sham, arrived from Vulgaria and I solved The Mystery Of The Missing False Fangs.

The trip I took to Reclina to try and stop Lazy Boy Slouch from going to the chair.

I thought her radio show needed a few yuks, so I gave her some of  mine.

But Aimee and Delmon were jealous of my wit, telling her that even cows considered puns the lowest form of humour.

And on the show she seemed dogged by a voice that was no longer husky.

michaellewisart

THE MYSTERY OF THE MISSING FALSE FANGS

 

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