RSS

Category Archives: private detective

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 20

“Fact is”, Kay continued “I now own the Mall.

We’ve got The Big Box Store, ‘Your one stop shop for all your large box needs’, The Fabricator, ‘With more bolts than just out of the blue’, a Gape, a Loots, and a Barsucks.

I’m telling you this because to Omitt, nothing on Gulp Island should exist.

He blames it’s decanted ways for all his whines.

I fear he has already started blowing things up with the Electra Complex.

You must understand his actions do not represent Muslins.

We are a gentle people.

We worship cloth and bowling for Alley’s sake!”

“A Muslin situation”, I told her, “should be handled by the millinery.”

But Kay Sarong-Sarong said that could fabricate a war.

She’d heard about my involvement with the move against the 8ers by all the religious leaders and of my dealings with the Grime Lords at The New Troll Hotel in Smother Goose Landing, so she’d decided I was tailor made for the job.

michaelewisart

THE HANSWOOD MALL

 

Tags: , , ,

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 19

The lights went out.

Something must have gone wrong with the Electra Complex in Wolf Bay.

Just as I found my flashlight, two thumps sounded on my door, 2B or Knock 2B at the Harbour House Hotel.

In the darkened hallway stood a vision from “1001 Slights”.

I was thumbstruck without a tack.

I kept thinking: “Hatrack, me shack and to be we go”.

“Are you P.I., the Private Guy?” she asked waving my card in front of my seasunk eyes.

Electricity out and no way to refuse, she pushed past me into the apartment.

“My name”, she said “is Kay Sarong-Sarong and Gulp Island needs you.’

I apologized for the darkness.

She said: “I know, thats why I’m here.

Ever read this book?”

The tomb she handed me was entitled: “The Nine Wives Of Omitt Cayenne”.

“No.” I said but on the lust jacket, I learned that old Omitt lost one wife in a mall, another in a divorce, the third he found wearing his Vizier, a forth ran off in a flood, the fifth he lost to a bottle of whiskey, the sixth to sense, the seventh took up with the eighth, and the ninth, it seems, hung around because she was lonely.

“I’m the one he lost in the mall”, Kay said, “the Hanswood Mall in midtown.”

michaellewisart

OPERTUNITY KNCKS

 

 

 

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 7

Her  come hither had gone yawn.

I tried to help her by egging her on to make more yokes.

But it didn’t help.

Her listeners became bored again sheep and started to flock off.

Eve Angelica ended up working behind the counter at Swabs Drugstore.

She told everyone that I had left her in ruins like Anchor Wot.

Funnily enough, I started getting calls from the Centaurette , Apple Lucy, asking if I wanted to horse around, Jill Fever wanting to know if I’d like to come over and play doctor, Ruby Gams suggesting we do a little smoking and even April, the Colander girl, asked for a date.

From what I hear now, Eve’s secretary, Aimee Fearsome McSimple, has taken over the For Squares Hostel with her partner in slime, Delmon Gangtree.

michaellewisart

PARTY LINE

 

 

 

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 6

Yet amidst all the grits and yammer, Eve seemed bored so I told her stories of my add dentures.

I told her about the summer Lord Vain, The Vegetarian Vampire’s uncle Noah, Count of Sham, arrived from Vulgaria and I solved The Mystery Of The Missing False Fangs.

The trip I took to Reclina to try and stop Lazy Boy Slouch from going to the chair.

I thought her radio show needed a few yuks, so I gave her some of  mine.

But Aimee and Delmon were jealous of my wit, telling her that even cows considered puns the lowest form of humour.

And on the show she seemed dogged by a voice that was no longer husky.

michaellewisart

THE MYSTERY OF THE MISSING FALSE FANGS

 

Tags: , , , ,

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 5

For a couple of weeks we, Aimee the secretary, Delmon Gangtree the show fur, and I went everywhere with her ripeness.

We had drinks at the Manhatted Club in Queensville City.

We had drunks with the Staggers in Port Wine.

We went to fancy halls.

We went to The Basket Ball in Basketune.

We went to The Slow Ball in Reclinea.

We threw out the first umpire in the opening game between The Sea Czar City Togas and The Drunken Louts.

We lost money at the snail races.

We did suppermarket openings, book sightings, and UFO shows.

We guested on Ida Clair’s radio show and The Wide World Of Wood with Uncle Oslo and Walter Ego.

We did a fun razor for a barbershop in Clowntown and a bed-a-fit for Nettles Furniture Store here.

michaellewisart

ON THE TOWN

 

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 3

I put “The Big Creep” down when she wafted through the door with enough waft to make a blindman’s nose throw off it’s crutches and smile.

Eve Angelica has a radio show, “Profane Readings Of Sacred Tex”, every sunny mourning right after “The Braising Hussey”.

Her main interest is Male In Money.

She needs enough to build her “For Squares Hostel”.

She has a gossip choir that could give chills to an iceman.

Last I heard she’d been kid-napped.

In fact she always seemed to be kidding about napping.

She claims the last four abductions she had to arrange herself.

In other words, she’s up for grabs.

So I was surprised when she told me she needed someone she could bank on to feel safe.

She needed someone she could walk with, hand in hand, yet still feel harms apart.

I was beginning to feel flattened.

michaellewisart

EVE ANGELICA

 

 

Tags: , ,

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 2

I  cracked open the paperback.

“Chapter 1, The Case Of The Salve A Door, Dolly.

When I walked through the revolting door of the Hotel Ballfour, I spied a couple punts playing catch in the lobby.

There was a maid giving French lessons to a show fur salesman by the lemonzine stand in the corner.

I figured my client, Stir Reel, was the old party staggering out of the bar with a fishy barracuda in a candy striper outfit on one arm and the phoney inventor, Macaroni, at his elbow.

I saddled up to my nurse-wild employer and snorted: ‘Its like the stockman said to the C.E.O., People know you by the company you keep.’

‘Mr. Friday?’, he asked.

‘Yes, Phillip Friday.’

‘The Gasman?’

‘Yes’ I belched.

Then I told him we should go.

‘Every lobby has chairs’ I said “but these chairs have more than their quota of bums.'”

michaellewisart

THE BIG CREEP

 

 

 

Tags: , , ,

 
%d bloggers like this: