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Monthly Archives: September 2018

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 25

There will be the usual sack race for the recently fired.

The crowning of Miss Main Squeeze at the Juice Right Pageant.

Boris, the vulgar boatman, will again take on both Cuss Plucker, the Blunder Busman and the Reverent Mr. Amos Rant in the mule  cussing contest.

(Last year the air was so blue, they had to call it a draw when the animals fainted from embarrassment.)

Bango the Balloon Clown, is running the bomb toss.

Ranger Roy is giving demonstrations on the dangers of the pool sharks known as Chaws,  little nippers who go after the toes of of both municipal and backyard swimmers.

Easy Perkins is bringing his champion turkey, Peach Gobbler, his prize winning hen, Coopsa Daisy, and his ash ram, Sooty, to the Life Shock Show.

Colonel Corny Cobb Web’s Coochie-Coo Tent will premiere ZaZa LaPlume, the fan dancer’s new act where instead of just feathers, she uses the whole bird and bills herself LaPlume the Flamingo Dancer.

michaellewisart

BIRDS OF A FEATHER

 

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THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 24

As Confusion, our ornamental philosopher says: “Time is a funny thing, but its no laughing matter”.

It’s Fall Back Time again and the True Eds were up all night rearranging the Stone Hinge.

My granddad turns 148 and Albrite Winestein, the Grapes Of Math professor, says that outside the Bikini Triangle, old Randy Jim would have been dead twice over.

Winestein has a theory about relatives, the fact our seasons run backwards and how time goes quickly when your young but slows down the older you get.

The Fair To Midland is in Fall swing.

This year Lady Vain, the vegetarian vampire, will be manning the Hissing Booth.

Frankie Rummoli is back with his Used Gamble Lot.

Jackie Odds is running the Carousel Races.

Simon Sample, the pieman from Smother Goose Landing, is bringing the In Your Face edibles.

Doghouse Brown is barking the Snide Show.

Miss Prim has allowed her on-ice caveman boyfriend, Og, to stubble up again as Pop Sickle and enter the Rastling Ring against last year’s chump, Twotired Housecart.

michaellewisart

MIDWAY DOWN THE SNIDE SHOW

 

 

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THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL.7, PAGE 23

“Being a Scarlet Sister isn’t really the way it once was,” Bertha went yawn.

“The culture has become pasteurized and thats not a bad thing.

Little Red Heidi Wood tried to unionize the girls a couple years ago, telling them that laying down on the job was no road to self respect.

I’m ashamed I stood against her.

She left and became a radio star with the Brazing Hussey cooking show and is now the author of two books: ‘Frying In the Nude’ and ‘The Little Red Book Of Meow’.

Bon Bon is set to open her own candy store in Gelt Glowers.

Carlotta Park has become a lingerie model for Vague Magazine.

Barbie Q. is selling her own grill on tv.

Bunny Ears is raising chickens for Easy Pickins.

Voodoo Doll snagged a cloth merchant.

Buckin Brenda has gone into social work.

Piggy Leigh already has two hit  singles, ‘Hog Mild’ and ‘Larry In The Sty With Desmond’.

Chilli Pepper, our piano man, now tickles the ivories at Colonel Corny Cobb Webb’s Girlique.”

michaellewisart

CHANGE OF PACE

 

 

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THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 22

As they say in retail: “Life, like cash, is all about change.”

After three de-generations and a two for one sale, The Tomato Patch Bordello has shut its gates for good.

With both Lee Z, and my randy granddad under their wives watchful eyes, the Patch had, for all its hot dogs lost the wurst.

Madam Bertha D. Blooz finally won the election and got a politician’s seat to sit on she doesn’t have to cuddle.

The Madam is Madam Councilwoman now.

In the article, “Politics, From Sexual To Dirty” by Fanny May Hert in the Benchpress, Bertha said: “In the sex race I’ve run out of laps and so have the girls.”

Our motto was always “Sex For Higher” but the last little while The Big Mr. C mob has been trying to get their grip on our vice and now I can court them with city hall.”

michaelewisart

GETTING OUT THE VOTE

 

 

 

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THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 21

Well it cost a fistful of plug nickels and the promise of finger food but that Saturday at the Lois Lanes Bowling Parlour on Ten Pin Alley across from Sessions Records, I hosted the island’s ill eats.

The Pop was there and Rabbit Niceberg of the Chews, Sinj of the Seeks, the Reverend Mr. Amos Rant, the Dolly Comma, Lief Derekson, and Sowbad The Tailor, representing the Muslins.

They all greeted Omitt Cayenne and his two bawdy guards, then put on their bowling shoes.

It didn’t matter what was said, Omitt wasn’t ready not to strike again.

That is until Bell Adonna, High Priestess of the Peg Anns arrived in all her nympness.

Omitt broke into heavy sweets.

He not only offered her a full gobble of turkey delights but a loaf of bread, a jug of wine and how.

Yet all the Priestess asked of Omitt was for him to lock up his jaw, take his bombshells and go home.

That and pay the islands Electra bill.

This he did in return for her number and the chance to someday ring Bell.

Thus ended the War Of The Sectses.

michealewisart

LOIS LANES

 
 

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 20

“Fact is”, Kay continued “I now own the Mall.

We’ve got The Big Box Store, ‘Your one stop shop for all your large box needs’, The Fabricator, ‘With more bolts than just out of the blue’, a Gape, a Loots, and a Barsucks.

I’m telling you this because to Omitt, nothing on Gulp Island should exist.

He blames it’s decanted ways for all his whines.

I fear he has already started blowing things up with the Electra Complex.

You must understand his actions do not represent Muslins.

We are a gentle people.

We worship cloth and bowling for Alley’s sake!”

“A Muslin situation”, I told her, “should be handled by the millinery.”

But Kay Sarong-Sarong said that could fabricate a war.

She’d heard about my involvement with the move against the 8ers by all the religious leaders and of my dealings with the Grime Lords at The New Troll Hotel in Smother Goose Landing, so she’d decided I was tailor made for the job.

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THE HANSWOOD MALL

 

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THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 19

The lights went out.

Something must have gone wrong with the Electra Complex in Wolf Bay.

Just as I found my flashlight, two thumps sounded on my door, 2B or Knock 2B at the Harbour House Hotel.

In the darkened hallway stood a vision from “1001 Slights”.

I was thumbstruck without a tack.

I kept thinking: “Hatrack, me shack and to be we go”.

“Are you P.I., the Private Guy?” she asked waving my card in front of my seasunk eyes.

Electricity out and no way to refuse, she pushed past me into the apartment.

“My name”, she said “is Kay Sarong-Sarong and Gulp Island needs you.’

I apologized for the darkness.

She said: “I know, thats why I’m here.

Ever read this book?”

The tomb she handed me was entitled: “The Nine Wives Of Omitt Cayenne”.

“No.” I said but on the lust jacket, I learned that old Omitt lost one wife in a mall, another in a divorce, the third he found wearing his Vizier, a forth ran off in a flood, the fifth he lost to a bottle of whiskey, the sixth to sense, the seventh took up with the eighth, and the ninth, it seems, hung around because she was lonely.

“I’m the one he lost in the mall”, Kay said, “the Hanswood Mall in midtown.”

michaellewisart

OPERTUNITY KNCKS

 

 

 
 
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