Monthly Archives: April 2012

Sea Czar City: From Here To Infirmary, Page 54

“I know where they are.”, my randy granddad continued,”not a hop, skip and a rump from here.

That Barbi Q at the Tomato Patch has them.

She’s always hot to get those pants off me.

You can hold her down while I remove the evidence!”

I looked Randy Jim in his beady little squint and asked,”Are you sure this isn’t just another trick to get me to take you back to Madam Deblooz’s bordello?”

There was a lot of silence.

Granddad looked away and I heard him mumble.”You  can’t blame a guy for lying.”

The Liar

Last night at the town council meeting, Tom Task, President of the IWW (International Warlocks and Witches), stood up and said that since we already celebrate art on Rembrandt’s Day, food on May 8, March 4th as “The Day That Will Forever Live In Infantry”, we should also dedicate Aug. 9th as “Arms Missed Us Day”.

The motion was carried around the room.

Then finally put down on paper, in memory of all those who got caught up in that short but tragic spell.


“The secret to a long life is boredom.”

Randy Jim Hatrack


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Sea Czar City: From Here to Infirmary, Page 53

When my randy granddad saw me at the door, he growled, “bout time you got here.

Theres been a major crime committed!

My underpants are missing!”

“Maybe you forgot to put them on.” I said

“Not mine, you widget, The Queen Of France’s pants!”

The Queen Of France, Marie and Winnet, twin contortionists, worked the same oddeville circus as Randy Jim.

He played lead strumpet in Elmo’s Elastic Band.

The girls later became famous for having their faces on the Hack Sisters Cough Drops box.

“Those two each gave me a pair of their knickers”, granddad continued, “in token of our mutual steam.

I lost Marie’s years ago in a panty raid.

Ever tell you about how there were so many raids in those days, I opened the first Bureau Of Lost Drawers?

I did?

Well anyway I’ve held onto Winnet”s tightly ever since.

You’re going to love getting to the bottom of this case!”

The Queen Of France


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Sea Czar City: From Here To Infirmary, Page 52

Just as I was about to enter my granddad’s room, I heard Jill Fever telling old Randy Jim that he was lucky to have someone visit him as often as I did.

“Most relatives”, she said “just abandoned their people to the Iceflow.”

“Yeah’, I heard granddad say, “Peaeye is a good boy, better than his father Floyd, who I call Flood cause he always ran off in the spring.

Packet’s mother had to raise him on her lone, except summers when he’d come to stay with me.

I use to show him the ropes at the Jute Box Factory.”

I decided then, I’d probably keep paying the storage fee on the old goat’s junk.

Summer Idle


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Sea Czar City: From Here To Infirmary, Page 51

Usually I have no truck with moving vans and am only semi-interested in long distance haulers.

But the Castle Brothers (“We Won’t Rook You”) are the inception that proves the fool.

They were the company I used to vandalize and store granddad’s stuff when we sold his place in Port Wine.

They packed his pimentos of olive-growing in the Kalamata Valley, his risqué photo albums of female judges holding him in contempt, his collection of ART FOREVER stick-on tattoos, his mantle piece painting: EXHIBITIONIST AND PEKING DUCK, his signed copy of “Tom String” by Mark Twine, his over-exposed pictures of ZaZa LaPlume, his crates of rope from the old Jute Box factory, and his sex volume set of “The Common Suture, the erotic guide for surgeons”.

All the junk I paid storage on and wonder if he even still remembers.

As I walked down the hall way at the Iceflow, I was figuring on selling it all.

He would never know.

Moving Day



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Sea Czar City: From Here To Infirmary, Page 50

Lee Z. Gladstone now works for Fred A. Dare at Lee Z’s old shop now called Dare Essentials.

He does sales again for Suck-It Up Vacuums and represents Carpet Diem, “The Rugged Floor Covering”.

Gladstone told me, he got cautioned by Constable John for going door-to-door offering ladies half price on his English shag.

Lee Z. and I were sharing a Movie Special at Bunaventure Bakery,”Six Pies And Videotape”, but had to go since I was due at the Iceflow for a visit with Randy Jim and Lee Z. was due back on the streets.

“Theres a world full of suckers just waiting to be licked!” Lee Z. shouted as he banged out the door.

Door To Door


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Sea Czar City: From Here To Infirmary, Page 49

According to Lee Z. this “child” was a haystack looker who knee-gotitated him under the table for about an hour.

Lee Z, said when he got back to the Captain Crook Real Steal Estate, he tried to explain to Banter’s step-child, Smokey Mirrors, Lee Z’s boss and love light, that when old Weir put his daughter, Spell, on him, he not only lost his shirt but his pants as well.

He said he didn’t know witch way to turn.

But all Smokey gave him was a thrown-in towel and a pink slip.

“She fired me boys!”



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Sea Czar City: From Here To Infirmary, Page 48

“She was only a baker’s daughter but oh my how she could move her buns!”

It was Tuesday and I was in Banter’s when Lee Z. Gladstone came through the door.

Jitters the butler had been talking about a small ad in the Bench Press under Jobs Wanted .

“Hey Lee Z.’ I said “I think Tom Peeper is back in town.

Read this: ‘Unemployed voyeur looking for work as a window watcher’ ”

“Boys, things are rocky for the Gladstone” Lee Z. said, totally ignoring the paper business.

“What happened ?” asked Banter.

“Well I was out at the Debunk house, Goblin Gardens, figuring I could get the property off Weir for a song.

But the old fox left, saying his child gives all the business.”

Gladstone At The Debunk House


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