Monthly Archives: February 2012

Sea Czar City: From Here To Infirmary, Page 20

You may remember Ophelia Gearstart who disappeared over the Bikini Triangle a few years ago.

She was the first woman pilot to try to circumnavigate the globe, flying backwards.

She was found floating just off Beacon Rock by Old Man Moon, the lighthouse keeper.

Old Man Moon And The Washup


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Sea Czar City: From Here To Infirmary, Page 19

It had been the local goose soup for months now, how Ranger Roy wanted to put the crush on Bear Sal but she had set her club on Og, the early human popsicle.

All Og wanted, was to continue playing triangle with Miss Prim, his light schoolteacher.

But Roy hadn’t come about his love life.

He brought me a message from Mack Tracker of the G.I.P., Gulp Island Police.

Tracker wanted me to take Ophelia Gearstart”s float plane to Smother Goose Landing and bring back Burymore “The Actor” John.

Ophelia Gearstart And The Duckbill




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Sea Czar City: From Here To Infirmary, Page 18

Roy told me that Sackwatch and his wife, Yetty, wanted to adopt the cat that they were already starting to  call Bigfoot.

“Yes”, I said “you can tell its spring again.

I heard some pretty scary screaming coming from Zanadoo’s House Of Beauty yesterday where Yetty was getting her manual bikini wax.

So what brings you to my place of unemployment?

It’s not about Bear Sal, is it?”

Ranger Roy got all red in the face and mumbled:” You know, all that feral¬†woman needs to keep warm, is her fur nest.”



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Sea Czar City: From Here To Infirmary, Page 17

It was a slow day in the office.

I had just finished the latest issue of “Spicy Accountant Stories”.

Newton Peevie got locked in a closet with strippers, Cherries Jubilee and Vanilla Cream.

The episode was called “Just Deserts”.

My preceptionist, Helen Wheels, ushered Ranger Roy into the office.

I had heard that a wild cat had disappeared from the Grizzly Hills Zoo and figured Roy was there to ask me to find it.

But no, he said Sackwatch, the indomitable showman, had turned up this morning with the missing lynx.

The Golfer And The Lynx



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Sea Czar City: From Here To Infirmary, Page 16

Lee Z. told me how folks last Sunday, at the Church Of The Immense Retention, got a shock when the Reverent Mr. Amos Rant came down with a case of full-blown turrets and started telling people to “Begat Off!” and “Know You” and “Moses’s Ass”!

“Well I’m trucking , Slow-shoe” Lee Z. said, “selling real estate can take a lot off a guy!”

The Reverent Mr. Amos Rant


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Sea Czar City: From Here To Infirmary, Page 15

“I tell you, selling swampland to rubes is a piece of lake!”, Lee Z. continued.

He went on about how he sold his business to Fred A. Dare, the Carpet Diem representative who would be moving in downstairs the next week.

He would be changing the name of the shop from “Gladstone Sales” to “The Dare Essentials”.

Lee Z. told me how he had been trying to get his new boss, Smokey,out to the Notell Motel for over a week, but that all she talked about was making beautiful music together, which to Lee Z., had the ring of two-down-the-aisle.

He filled my bowl of goose soup with the news that Little Red Heidi Wood had left her life as a sex trade worker, taken cooking lessons and started a show on KAOS called “The Brazing Hussy”.

The Brazing Hussy


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Sea Czar City: From Here To Infirmary, Page 14

I was in the office reading Ranger Roy’s account of raising a cowardly lion, entitled:”Born Flee” and had just got to the part where Roy realizes trouble is bruin.

Roy comes eyeball to eyeball with Bear Sal, the legendary wild woman of Grizzly Hills Park.

Just then who should breeze past Helen Wheels, my preceptionist, but old windy she-was-only-a-scull-captain’s-daughter-but-oh-my-how-she-could-crew Lee Z. Gladstone himself.

“Hey Nick Facey, as the girl said to the jumping bean salesman,’Looks like business is hopping!'”

“And your own Lee Z.”, I asked “still selling fuzzy linoleum as fur tile?’

“No my son, I’ve done it, I’m working full-time for Smokey Mirrors at The Real Steal Estate.”

Eyeball To Eyeball With Bear Sal



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