“What is more” Winestein continued, “I believe Horace Plasterneck, the Vulgarian author of ‘Dr. Chicago’, and a notorious antiarborist, has followed me through the porthole with known numbers runner, Matha Hurry, and is hiding somewhere on Gulp Island waiting to strike!
At first I believed they were after me because of my work on the Topiary Theorem, but now I firmly believe they are here to re-assassinate the Vains.”
Horace Plasterneck and Matha Hurry
“Lord and Lady Vain” Winestein continued, “returned to the land of the living due to a miscommunication with Vulgarian police about a ‘stake-out’ at the state graveyard.
If they establish themselves on Gulp Island, no farmland, produce department, or green house will go unravaged. They desire all edible vegetation, grasses, grains, nuts and go absolutely bats for fruit!”
At The Graveyard
Now Winestein was telling me something about the Loyals, who washed ashore last week in matching fruit baskets. He was saying that the reason no one has seen them leave the hotel during daylight hours is because they are a type of illiterate Vulgarian vegetarian vampire known as the “Unread”.
He said their names are Lord and Lady Vain and that they are in negotiations with Smokey Mirrors at the Captain Crook Real Estate office to buy Nevermore Manor.
Lord and Lady Vain
Albright Winestein, author of “Time, Sister To Space and Other Relatives” and “The Theory of Roulettivity”, partner with Reggie Farmer in “The Grapes of Math Vinery, (“if only we could find someone to Bacchus”), and Vulgaria”s preeminent scientific mind.
Distressed by the way his discoveries were being used, Winestein committed an act of labotage, using higher mythmatics and lower expectations to create a porthole in time and space between Vulgaria and Montreal. But due to the fact he was such a poor speller, his was an accent into Mount Seeall instead.
“Yes, I arrived on the wrong consonant.” he would later say.
Labotage
I was feet up on the desk, sipping a taste of Old Jack Horner and listening to the radio announcer say: “As you remember in last week’s episode, Sergeant Singer with his trusty dog, Mukluk, was hiding out in the woods, having been fired from The Mounted, with the only set of Captain Presto’s logs…” when who should be ushered into the office by my perceptionist, Helen Wheels, but non other than Professor Albright Winestein.
“The Deuce and Ducat of Sham” he said”are not who they appear to be!”
Albright Winestein
When I picked up my daily Bench Press from Banter’s, I saw that Mad Dr. Trench appeared in court yesterday, before Judge Lynch, in the same shorts he had been arrested in.
The headline read:”Dentist Menace Ready For Tennis”.
The Bench Press
When the scandal finally broke at the Senior Sailor’s School of Hard Knots and Miss Prim was threatened with expulsion for having had her picture taken by Camera Sly of the Shutter Shop, totally in the rude, her biggest student made up his mind to stand on his principal.
Standing On Principal
