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THE TRAVELS OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 8, PAGE 1

michaellewisart

OLD FACTORY PERFUMERY

My randy granddad use to say it was the rest of times and the wurst of sausage, his youth before Witch War I, when he lived in Ferris on Mount See All Island in an artist’s carrot above the Cafe Ok in old Moan Mart.

He said in those days, you might see John Paul Dart writing his book: “Extendulism, The Art Of Boredom” at a table outside.

He might be smoking a Galoshes or his pipe and maybe talking to Flambow, the poet, or Kinky, Rann May’s model and currant raisin.

“At any moment”, Randy Jim would say, “you might see Pueblo Paycosto, Winset Van Goth or even the ‘Moveable Fist’ himself, Ernie Heminghaw.”

Granddad said from his window, he could see the river Stain and the giant wheel from which Ferris got its name.

In the evening he said he would stroll the Bully Yard with Mangiggly Annie and slinky Juliet Geeko.

“As dawn crowed over the top of the Church Of The Sacred Cur”, granddad would say, “we’d stagger home, harm in harm,with a bottle of Dino and enough bread to bag it.”

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FERRIS, A WHEELY GREAT CITY

 

 
 

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY,VOL 7, PAGE 40

My preceptionist, Helen Wheels, has been steaming for a few months now and that morning her kettle hit the fan.

“Quit horsing around, boss”, she brayed when I came through the office door, “enough stalling!

You promised to tell me, if the Hidawhy people are the only ones who can leave the Bikini Triangle anytime they want, then how, seven years ago, did you and that German Shepherd, Fritz, make it all the way to Cuba?”

“Oh simmer down, Miss Teas.

What you probably don’t know is that my mother, Antik Dotes’ father was a full blood Hidawhy chef.

In fact Randy Jim, my grandfather on my daddy’s side and the little cook,  Nogga Hide, grew up just over the bridge from each other on the native preserve.

As kids, they played cowboys and engines together.

So that and the help I gave Nobull Savage during the Trick Or Treaty Affair allowed me to become a full Blood Other and a pass on the unseen barrier grief of the Triangle.”

“Well  that explains you, sort of”, Helen said, “but Nell’s Bells, it doesn’t explain how the Shepherd paid for his ticket to Havana!”

“Sheeply, I presume.”

michaellewisart

COWBOYS AND ENGINES

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Don’t forget to tune in next time for Vol. 8, “The Travels Of Sea Czar City”. where our intripid bumbler travels to Basketune Island in search of Winset Van Goth’s missing ear and spends midnight in Jackassic Park. You’ll go to the hanging of the Candyhouse Fiend, witness the kidnapping of the Prime Sinister, Magnet Carter, and watch The Good Knight leap from his radio adventures into the light of day. Its Kantzeem, the Truth Teller back from the dread and Randy James Hatrack reciting his boudoirs.

 

Anyone interested in a print of Baba Alley, just send a self addressed mailing tube to  Galaraw Gallery, Chinablock, Sea Czar City, Gulp Island, Bikini Triangle, somewhere in the Nonpacific Ocean.

michaellewisart

BABA ALLEY

 

 

 

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 39

“Hey Packit”, my cousin, Tacky Bob Dotes of Tacky Dotes, The (We’re Always On The Move) Stationary Store, yelled  as he bounced through the door.

“Lee Z. pin you to the bowling team we’re forming?

So far its Gladstone and Dotes and Fred A. Dare of ‘Dare Essentials.

I think I got Jim Crack of ‘The Trick and Joke Shop’ interested.

Want to join?

I wanted to call the team: ‘The Alley Cats” but since Patty O’Tello’s Cheezy Eats is sponsoring us, we settled on ‘The Cheezy Cheats’.

You ought to see our shirts.

Wedsday evening, bowl a few. drink some Schmaltzes, and catch the late show at Colonel Corny Cobb Webb’s Girlique.

Except for poor old married Gladstone here, nailed to the boss.”

“Well, I’ll think on it”, I said, trying to leave before the tear in Gladstone’s eye reached the boiling point.

“Off to the office, Packit?” Tacky asked.

“Tell that little cooker, Helen Wheels, she’s sorry she missed me.”

“She’s getting better with her aim, she wont next time.”

“What a kidder…need any erasers for all your mistakes?

Remember, ‘Tacky Keeps The Office From Going Wacky’.”

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TACKY DOTES

 

 

 

 
 

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 38

Two days later in Banters, Mr. She-was-only-a-bagmaker’s-daughter-but-she-sure-was-great-in-the-sack, Lee Z. Gladstone was saying: “Let me get this puzzle straight, Jigsaw.

A Kim wants you to find her Dale and when you do, some carny blackjacks you with a bag of geegaws and yes in D.D., you think, the corpus delectable at your feet is one Delores Dreamfield .

At first.

But then a scar is born and you recognize which twin had the phoney..

The Tattler, nee Flaw, nee Chance, nee Katz, nee Bow led you to lead her sister to her where she could makeup and be thought dead.

What I don’t understand is how did you know she was hiding in the Storm Seller of the Watchful Observatory?”

“Just got wind of it “, I answered.

“Actually it was the essence of Slush Fun, a perfume sold only at the weather counter of the Storm Seller.”

“Well”, said Lee Z., “I guess you nose what your doing.

Hey did you hear Aladin Deep bought Eel’s Electric from Pie Annie?

No more ‘Bread And Circuits’.

He’s turned part of Eel’s into a lamp store, calling it ‘The Trilight Zone’.

The place has a sales clerk named Jinni, whose smoking hot and acts like she’d grant your every wish.”

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TRILIGHT ZONE

 
 

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7, PAGE 37

It must have been my puritan interest that made this pilgrim flip the corpse so it could turn the other cheek.

It wasn’t Kim’s light that had been blown out but Tattle Dale’s.

At that moment Max Tracker and his bulldog Drummond came through the door.

Being booked was a novel experience.

I got the full heatment under the sunlamp, inky fingers, nice photo , number and all.

Dale was quite the looker, so my lawyer, Siren Chase, got me released on a Babeus Corpus.

But something was bothering me about that scar.

Kim had given me the breeze so I wet my finger to follow.

I headed for the Storm Seller in the basement of the Watchful Observatory.

The girl behind the Windy name tag, heavy glasses and lie job, dropped her jaw just in time for me to pick it up.

“Figured I’d have a longer lease in the crowbar hotel, Sweet Tart?” I asked.

“Ah, Mr. Hatrack”, she said as she planted a pucker to make me quince, “marry me, a hushband can’t be made to testify against his wife.”

“Sister, your good, real good, but I won’t turn you kin,

Your too dangerous, relatively speaking.”

michaellewisart

GLOBAL WARNING

 

 

 
 

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY,VOL. 7, PAGE 36

Thats why Twosday I was whining at the dinning of Coursen Fells in Patty’s Cheezy Eats.

He knew Miss Flaw alright.

“She gifted me with a chest full of her topless calendars”, Coursen said, “and I taught her to strut her flower on the stage.

She gave me blood, sweat and gears.

We changed her name to Delores Dreamfield and got her a scream test for the missionary position in Death Takes A Horror Day.

But she walked away from it all.

Talk to Lax Barker, the Cosmetic King.”

Well that took care of Wedsday.

Lax told me: “When we first met, she picked a fight just so we could makeup’

I gave her thigh liner, the high lights and low life and introduced her as Masque Scarea.”

Thurstday I phoned Kim and tried to prepare her for the fact that her sister wasn’t who she thought she was.

I told her to meet me at my place, 2B or knock 2B, Fryday night.

It was obvious who cracked my coconut then committed sistercide.

Poor Kim Bow, like me, didn’t know what hit her.

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WHINiNG AT THE DINNING

 
 

THE SHAGGY SAGA OF SEA CZAR CITY, VOL. 7. PAGE 35

After the evening and breathing had returned to formal, I asked Mellon Feller if she needed a guide home.

“No” she said, “Miss Chance will take care of that.”

Only Miss Chance probably saw which way the puzzle was jigged and decided to scatter.

I slapped Mellon Feller hard enough to send her shades into shadows and shouted: “Lets see what your phoney lump is made of, Mellon Feller, Mini Soda Katz, Tattle Dale Bow!”

It was then that I saw her egg white eyes showed no yoke.

I knew I’d missed my chance.

From the livid faces around me, I decided staying for cookies and tea might land me in steep trouble.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Monday I showed the photos I’d taken at the book hub to Camera Sly at Sly’s Shutter Shop.

He said Miss Chance reminded him of Patty Cable.

He said he’d encountered her at Swab’s Drugstore.

He said she was slipping a soda under her sweater.

“I didn’t want Constable John to cuff her” said Sly “so I threw three coins on the fountain and told her I could make her a scar.

With a mark on her face, I figured even hardened sea dogs would shed a private tear.

She called me Sven and golly I loved her.

I changed her name to Fallacious Flaw and taught her to pose.

I had big plans for Fallacious but after her calendar came out, she left me dateless.”

“Any idea where she might have gone?”, I asked.

“Follywood” he said, “she wants to go fur in the clamorous business.”

michaellewisart

A SCAR IS BORN

 

 

 

 

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